COURTSHIP — 2 in a series DATING or COURTING NEW LOVE

   My experience of the initial kind of courtship, when I would first meet someone, was something like taking a check ride. Someone else would be evaluating me as to my suitability for a relationship or at least an affair. This almost always made me nervous to some degree. It wasn’t until I had done many personal growth workshops that I became confident that I knew who I was, and what I wanted. Even then the whole process of courtship was pretty unfathomable.

   Then there is the whole ‘like attracts like’ and ‘opposites attract’ discussion. The challenge occurs when meeting someone in a new relationship and the chemistry is very high and the sex is fantastic. When we have great sex, there is a very strong production of oxytocin, which is the hormone that bonds us together. If one is not careful at this stage then the bonds become very strong and are more difficult to break. Then we may realize that the one we are enthralled with is not a good match for us at all. Happens a lot. It’s not the end of the world but it does require some possibly painful un-bonding.

   An interesting thing that happens in initial courtship is that when we are in that altered state of new love, men’s testosterone levels actually decrease while the testosterone levels of women increase. This means that women have stronger sex drives early in the relationship. After a year or some period of time hormone levels return to normal.

Caution

Men often become confused when hormone levels return to normal. They think that the woman is no longer interested in sex. It just means that men now have to pay more attention to seduction and foreplay.

STRANGER TO LOVER

   There are several stages in going from stranger to lover. The first stage is getting the attention of the other. Generally, the man is the one who makes the second move. It may look like he is approaching her, but she has probably done something to attract his attention and, if he is conscious and interested in her, he will make the approach and start some kind of conversation.

   Women do all kinds of things to attract attention. The way they dress, how they move in the space, a lingering glance, a smile are all attention getters. These signals let the man know of her interest and if it is safe to approach. It is a slow and cautious dance, because we all hate the pain of rejection, and we have to overcome the anxiety we have toward strangers. Making and sustaining eye contact for over three seconds is a positive signal.

More to come… Frank

SEX, LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP

   Having great sex that becomes spiritual sex has always been a priority for us. We both realized that the only way to achieve this on a consistent basis was to be in a committed, loving relationship. In the research for our book, we affirmed what we had known intuitively.

   Recent studies done with brain scans of people in love show that almost all the brain activity associated with being in love takes place in our limbic brain, which is developed in our infancy, is non-verbal and operates below the level of our consciousness. These studies also reveal that we have formed neural networks in the limbic brain that draw us to people who have corresponding neural networks. This attraction, called limbic resonance, is like an invisible magnet drawing us together.

   Limbic resonance begins with the mother-baby bond. Although there is no spoken language between them, the mother is very in tune with her infant and can identity its’ needs – sometimes by hearing subtle difference in its cries and often by just an intuitive feeling. The baby picks up her vibrations as well.

   Our mother’s mood and her heartbeat regulate our breathing, our own heart beat, and our processes. This intimacy and physical connection creates a powerful tie that influences us for the rest of our lives.  Her strengths and weaknesses, approvals and criticisms strongly affect our own self-image and patterns of behavior.  Although she affects us the most, our fathers and other caregivers also touch us at the deepest non-verbal levels.

BONDING WITH OUR PARTNERS

   All this resonance creates deep and powerful neural networks that draw us to people with similar patterns. What we value in ourselves is what we value in another. We are drawn to each other’s goodness.

   The more we are with someone, the stronger the limbic resonance. After awhile couples begin to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other is thinking without anything being said. This same limbic resonance allows us to nurture each other. Our empathy becomes strongly developed and, like the mother and child, we can feel when something is wrong with our partner. We want to resonate with them and provide a healing connection and soothing support.

   We can only develop this resonance by spending quality time together. To keep that feeling, we have to do something to nurture and sustain it. We do that through touching, expressing love in words, being of service to the one we love and of course, making love.

   Sustaining love requires an investment of time in terms of years. When you become limbically attuned to your partner and her to you, you regulate each other’s emotions, immune functions, sleep rhythms, and overall well-being. More and more studies show that people in long term loving relationships live longer and maintain a higher level of physical and emotional health.

   You’ve probably heard the expression that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Having a loving relationship is definitely a spiritual experience.  The unspoken empathy of our limbic connection shows how we can go beyond the purely physical to experience a more profound and satisfying Oneness.

USING LIMBIC RESONANCE TO HEAL

   Just holding your partner and breathing together increases your limbic connection.  This simplest of simple techniques can be used to heal emotional pain, help your partner sleep at night, or empower your sexual experience.  Do it as often as you can. — Frank & Judith

IS FOREPLAY REQUIRED FOR ORAL SEX?

   If you’re a guy and she wants to go down on you, she probably doesn’t even have to ask. “Want a B.J.?” might be nice but may not be required.

    With women, it’s completely different. They need just as much preparation for oral sex as they do for regular sexual intercourse. In our book TOP GUN LOVE, I use the analogy of firing a missile.

    To fire a missile from a fighter you have to activate three systems: the acquisition and guidance system, the launch system, and the arming system. Once the acquisition system is activated, you get the target in the sight and press a button on the stick to lock it in. Then the missile guidance system takes over tracking the target. By this time, you would have armed the launch system so that when you press another button on the stick, the missile will fire and leave the launch rail and head toward the target. There is yet another switch that is used to arm the missile so that it will actually explode when it gets to the target.

    If you want to have sex with a woman, oral or otherwise, you have to make the right approach. If you get the foreplay in the wrong order, or don’t do it completely, you may fire a dud, or you may not even get a launch.

    Unlike a fighter which will pretty much perform the same way every time you do certain things, women rarely respond the same way every time. Every woman is different than every other woman, and most women will respond differently on a different day. A lot of this depends on her menstrual cycle and how you handle your approach.

    To continue the missile analogy, acquisition and tracking are the most important parts. It begins when you get out of bed in the morning. Start being nice to her right from the get-go. KINDNESS is an essential element in the relationship and never more important than in the seduction phase. Keep tracking her all day long; a call from the job; a great hello when you get home; playful teasing during dinner; all add up to a more exciting experience.

    You still have to make sure the launcher is enabled and the missile is armed. This comes during the physical foreplay when you are touching her body in all those sensitive spots that are not her genitals. When you can read that she is ready, you can arm the missile by moving to her genitals with lots of teasing.

    So, if your objective is to give her pleasure by giving her oral sex, treat it just as if you were going to make love to her. You have to be there completely present and read her response to know if you are doing the right thing. The pay off is that you get her great sexual energy and a happy woman to boot. In our book TOP GUN LOVE we spend a whole chapter talking about oral sex techniques. — Frank

HOW TO TEACH YOUR LOVER TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU THE WAY YOU LIKE IT

   When we ask a person to do something differently while we are making love, we have to be tactful or we may not get the result we want at all. If the request is not properly presented, it may cause anger, resentment or a feeling of inadequacy.

   Here is a simple three step request process that works.

1.   Acknowledge what they are doing in positive terms. Say something like, “That feels nice.”

2.   Request the change you want. “Would you please ____ (move up, down, right, left, softer, harder, etc.)”

3.   Thank them. “Thank you. That feels great.”

  If they don’t get it exactly the way you want it, just keep repeating the process until they do. Most of us want to make our partners happy, but either we think the way we are doing it is OK or we have some block to doing it the way they want. — Frank