COURTSHIP — 2 in a series DATING or COURTING NEW LOVE

   My experience of the initial kind of courtship, when I would first meet someone, was something like taking a check ride. Someone else would be evaluating me as to my suitability for a relationship or at least an affair. This almost always made me nervous to some degree. It wasn’t until I had done many personal growth workshops that I became confident that I knew who I was, and what I wanted. Even then the whole process of courtship was pretty unfathomable.

   Then there is the whole ‘like attracts like’ and ‘opposites attract’ discussion. The challenge occurs when meeting someone in a new relationship and the chemistry is very high and the sex is fantastic. When we have great sex, there is a very strong production of oxytocin, which is the hormone that bonds us together. If one is not careful at this stage then the bonds become very strong and are more difficult to break. Then we may realize that the one we are enthralled with is not a good match for us at all. Happens a lot. It’s not the end of the world but it does require some possibly painful un-bonding.

   An interesting thing that happens in initial courtship is that when we are in that altered state of new love, men’s testosterone levels actually decrease while the testosterone levels of women increase. This means that women have stronger sex drives early in the relationship. After a year or some period of time hormone levels return to normal.

Caution

Men often become confused when hormone levels return to normal. They think that the woman is no longer interested in sex. It just means that men now have to pay more attention to seduction and foreplay.

STRANGER TO LOVER

   There are several stages in going from stranger to lover. The first stage is getting the attention of the other. Generally, the man is the one who makes the second move. It may look like he is approaching her, but she has probably done something to attract his attention and, if he is conscious and interested in her, he will make the approach and start some kind of conversation.

   Women do all kinds of things to attract attention. The way they dress, how they move in the space, a lingering glance, a smile are all attention getters. These signals let the man know of her interest and if it is safe to approach. It is a slow and cautious dance, because we all hate the pain of rejection, and we have to overcome the anxiety we have toward strangers. Making and sustaining eye contact for over three seconds is a positive signal.

More to come… Frank

COURTSHIP — A SERIES OF ARTICLES

    Courtship or courting is the activity that takes place when we are seeking to gain someone’s love or affection. Courtship is a lot like getting a check ride in an airplane. Check rides were like tests or evaluations. I had to pass a check ride at the end of each phase of my flight training. On the check ride, usually given by a highly trained check pilot, I had to demonstrate proficiency in all the maneuvers I had been taught to date.

   It was almost always a stressful situation for me. It didn’t matter that I had done very well in the training phase; somehow the idea that I was being evaluated made me nervous. We used to call it ‘checkitis.’  I had a bad case of ‘checkitis’ and busted my first check ride in a Cessna because it was with a special pilot from the FAA. After two more flights with my instructor, I went on to pass that check ride the second time with excellent scores. The same thing happened on my first military check ride in primary flight school. I was performing really well so my instructor put me up with the most rigorous check pilot on the base. I was so nervous that when he asked me to demonstrate a forced landing from a different situation than I had originally been trained in, I blew it and failed the ride. Once again, two more flights with my instructor, and I went back and passed the check easily. I went on from there to be a distinguish graduate from flight school.

   Check rides never stopped. Even after I got my wings and was assigned to a combat squadron, I, like all the other pilots, had to take periodic check rides to demonstrate my competency in all the maneuvers we were required to do. What I realized was that like check rides, courtship never stops. We will always be doing some form of courtship with our partners.

   There are two kinds of courtship to consider. The first deals with meeting someone new for the first time and developing a romantic love relationship. The second kind is the courtship that is needed in an ongoing romantic love relationship.

Note

    As long as we are in relationship with a love partner, some form of courtship will be a significant part of the relationship. This may be what women talk about when they say they want romance in their relationship. They want to be courted.

More to come  — Frank

SEX, LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP

   Having great sex that becomes spiritual sex has always been a priority for us. We both realized that the only way to achieve this on a consistent basis was to be in a committed, loving relationship. In the research for our book, we affirmed what we had known intuitively.

   Recent studies done with brain scans of people in love show that almost all the brain activity associated with being in love takes place in our limbic brain, which is developed in our infancy, is non-verbal and operates below the level of our consciousness. These studies also reveal that we have formed neural networks in the limbic brain that draw us to people who have corresponding neural networks. This attraction, called limbic resonance, is like an invisible magnet drawing us together.

   Limbic resonance begins with the mother-baby bond. Although there is no spoken language between them, the mother is very in tune with her infant and can identity its’ needs – sometimes by hearing subtle difference in its cries and often by just an intuitive feeling. The baby picks up her vibrations as well.

   Our mother’s mood and her heartbeat regulate our breathing, our own heart beat, and our processes. This intimacy and physical connection creates a powerful tie that influences us for the rest of our lives.  Her strengths and weaknesses, approvals and criticisms strongly affect our own self-image and patterns of behavior.  Although she affects us the most, our fathers and other caregivers also touch us at the deepest non-verbal levels.

BONDING WITH OUR PARTNERS

   All this resonance creates deep and powerful neural networks that draw us to people with similar patterns. What we value in ourselves is what we value in another. We are drawn to each other’s goodness.

   The more we are with someone, the stronger the limbic resonance. After awhile couples begin to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other is thinking without anything being said. This same limbic resonance allows us to nurture each other. Our empathy becomes strongly developed and, like the mother and child, we can feel when something is wrong with our partner. We want to resonate with them and provide a healing connection and soothing support.

   We can only develop this resonance by spending quality time together. To keep that feeling, we have to do something to nurture and sustain it. We do that through touching, expressing love in words, being of service to the one we love and of course, making love.

   Sustaining love requires an investment of time in terms of years. When you become limbically attuned to your partner and her to you, you regulate each other’s emotions, immune functions, sleep rhythms, and overall well-being. More and more studies show that people in long term loving relationships live longer and maintain a higher level of physical and emotional health.

   You’ve probably heard the expression that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Having a loving relationship is definitely a spiritual experience.  The unspoken empathy of our limbic connection shows how we can go beyond the purely physical to experience a more profound and satisfying Oneness.

USING LIMBIC RESONANCE TO HEAL

   Just holding your partner and breathing together increases your limbic connection.  This simplest of simple techniques can be used to heal emotional pain, help your partner sleep at night, or empower your sexual experience.  Do it as often as you can. — Frank & Judith

Does Like Attract Like or Do Opposites Attract

   This is a trick question because both apply. The Law of Attraction tells us that like unto itself will be drawn. That means you are most likely to attract someone that is like you in social status, maturity, intelligence and common interests.

   Where opposites attract comes into play is with the masculine and femininee energies that each of us possess. Usually, but not always, the one in the male body will have more masculine sexual energy than the one in the female body. It doesn’t matter who has which as long as there is enough difference to create the passionate chemistry.

   These two energies are like poles of a magnet and the difference is what creates the sexual passion in the relationship. If both partners have strong masculine energy you have buddies. If both have strong feminine energies — girl friends. The difference in the polarity is what gives us the sizzling sex we like so much. If the man has strong feminine energy and the woman strong masculine energy — party on.

   With that in mind it’s not a good idea to turn your partner into something they are not. As a guy, I have to support my woman in doing all the girlie things I’m not really interested in. I encourage her to go shopping and see chick flicks with her girl friends. When I sometimes act in ways that displease her, I try to gently remind her that I’m a guy, and not a rude muscled up woman. Women are often just as mystified about the way men behave as we are about the way they behave, and the way they react to what we think are simple things.

   In the like attracts like department, if we choose a partner that is too dissimilar it can lead to problems down the road. The passionate chemistry that evolves from the opposing sexual energies will eventually burn out and then difficulties can ensue. If we become too much alike, the chemistry will disappear and the sizzling sex along with it. — Frank